"DON'T WORRY, ITS THE SAME CHICKEN..."

This is the true story surrounding the origin of the Washington insider phrase "DON'T WORRY, ITS THE SAME CHICKEN..."

I will not reveal the names of the other people that were present at this event, but I will share with you that I was there when it happened. It was one of those events that just take on a life of their own. I was in Washington DC for a series of briefings and demonstrations about five years ago, it was one of the rare and happy occasions when I had the opportunity to go to dinner with a buddy of mine from Army Warrant Officer School. I met him and his friends, if memory serves it was me, him, a girl and another guy. We went to a restaurant called The Arizona Grill (I believe it was in Vienna Virginia).

The Pakistani waiter came over to our table to take our orders (I remember his nationality because when I think of the event I can't help but hear his heavy accent). When he asked if he could take our order I remember saying "ladies first". The young lady pointed to the menu and asked if the chicken fried chicken was any good, to which the waiter replied "DON'T WORRY, ITS THE SAME CHICKEN...". We all busted out laughing!

As everyone at the table was involved in working for the US Government either directly or indirectly we latched onto the phrase. My use of the phrase involves reference to utterly ridiculous situations associated with dealing with the US Government, "DON'T WORRY, ITS THE SAME CHICKEN..." is real information but it really did not answer the question "is the chicken fried steak any good?". A way of claiming you responded as required while providing no useful information but covering ones ass at the same time, a page right out of the all-star bureaucratic playbook.

In the context of Information Technology and large organizations, my Army buddy uses it in the context of "we already solved that problem, its the same chicken". This is a reference to people trying to justify their position by drumming up new work as a reaction to the latest internal political wind shift, not realizing that the problem was solved within the organization but never implemented because they never knew there was chicken to begin with!

I am sure the readers of this blog will come up with new and exciting ways to use the phrase "DON'T WORRY, ITS THE SAME CHICKEN..." BUT Beware because sometimes its not the same chicken!

Got the time?

CANVS V USA was filed in the US Court of Federal Claims on Thursday August 11, 2010. Today, if I got this right, was the first time we were allowed to depose a witness.

Time Check:

Duration calculation results

From and including:

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

To, but not including:

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Drum Roll Please...

It is 974 days from the start date to the end date, but not including the end date.

That's 2 years, and 8 months excluding the end date.

Alternative time units include:

84,153,600 seconds (Enough time for Usain Bolt to run the 100m dash 8,784,300 times).

1,402,560 minutes (equal to 23,376 episodes of 60 Minutes or enough time to make 467,520 three minute eggs).

23,376 hours (time enough to watch all six Star Wars movies back to back 1,800 times)

A Public Service Announcement: The Office Idiocy Alert System

When faced with stupidity your first responsibility is to survive so that you might document and share the details of the specific stupidity encountered so that other rational people may benefit from you experience.

Below are some suggested actions to take when faced with varying levels of stupidity. These are not strict guide lines and if you are sharper than a bowling ball you will be able to modify your response to best fit the specific idiocy in the context that it is occurring. Remember to stay calm and document every detail of the stupidity no matter how trivial so that if rational people ever are afforded the opportunity of reading you account (however statistically unlikely this is), future generations will at least be able to say, "How in the hell did they stay so calm in the face of such overwhelming stupidity?!"

LOW

While at a low stupidity level try not to make any sudden moves and cover all shiny objects as the typical moron's attention is drawn to motion and shiny objects. Avoid moving shiny objects at all costs. Do not let anyone see you doing real work or God-forbid having an original thought as this will immediately result in an increase of stupidity based on the “no good deed goes unpunished” principal.

GUARDED

Proper behavior while experiencing a guarded stupidity level requires subtle actions on your part. Proper deescalating actions are highly recommended. A tried and true method involves making sure there is plenty of coffee and free dough-nuts or cookies made available, when possible place the cookies as far away as possible from your work space, although this will not likely reduce stupidity it will at least for a short period of time put some distance between you and the stupidity.

ELEVATED

During elevated levels of stupidity it is imperative that you remain calm. If listening to Enya or Zamfir King of The Pan Flute does not keep you calm try warm milk, valume, a single malt scotch, or all of the above.

HIGH

When levels of stupidity are high, the best thing you can do is remove yourself from direct exposure to the lunacy. One tried and true method is calling in sick, as in I am sick of these high levels of stupidity.

SEVERE

Severe levels of stupidity are often accompanied by a total lack of logical behavior, no common decency, no pride in workmanship, a total disregard for customer satisfaction, and attempts to shift the blame to the only competent people still unfortunate enough to be in the vicinity of the stupidity. Suggested courses of action include crawling under your desk, laughing uncontrollably, and openly working on ones resume in plain sight of the boss. If you are the boss and the situation is not of immediate concern we suggest that you establish a new division to ensure ISO 9000 compliance of any future stupidity.

Bureaucratic Culture (AKA Monkey Business)

Harry Frederick Harlow (October 31, 1905 – December 6, 1981) was an American psychologist best known for his maternal-separation and social isolation experiments on rhesus monkeys.

In one of Harlow’s experiment (which would not pass any ethics committee nowadays), five monkeys were put into a regular monkeys’ cage, with a banana hanging high on a rope from the roof of the cage (outside the reach of the monkeys). The researcher then put a step ladder enabling the monkeys to reach the banana. However, whenever one of the monkeys attempted to climb and reach for the banana, ALL monkeys were sprayed with freezing ice cold water. After few attempts, they all learned the association between reaching for the banana and the group collective punishment of being sprayed with freezing ice cold water. If they want to stay warm and dry, they better not reach for the step ladder. From now on, none of the five monkeys tried to reach for the banana anymore. There was no need for the water treatment from that point on.

At this stage the researcher replaced one of the five monkeys with a new monkey. The new monkey, not aware of the icy water treatment, tried to reach for the banana. Within fraction of a second the other four monkeys pounced on him and beat the hell out of him – again and again, till he stopped and did not try anymore. Note, that icy water treatment was not used anymore. The same process was repeated, one of the four monkeys who experienced the original icy water treatment was replaced by a new one, and again all the monkeys beat the new monkey to submission. Finally, the cage was populated by five monkeys of whom none have experienced the icy water treatment. The experimenter then introduced a new monkey to the cage. When this monkey tried to reach for the banana, all five monkeys jumped on him and beat the hell out of him. None of these monkeys knew about the collective punishment of icy water, none knew why they are not allowed to get the banana, but somewhat along the way they learnt that reaching for the banana is not allowed. They become the guardians of this rule without knowing its purpose.

The same happens in organisation. A rule, a regulation, or a procedure, is introduced for a reason. However, after a while, the reason for it is forgotten, but the rule, regulation, or procedure stays. Nobody knows why they are following it, but they all do. Take the blue ink – black ink example that results in loss of customers. Sometime in the past, this regulation was introduced, probably because when photocopied or axed, blue ink was not as clear as black ink. However, technology has moved fast since then. Nowadays we have colour photocopiers and the quality of fax is not affected by ink colour. It doesn’t matter anymore if the ink is blue or black, yet the original regulation is still there, resulting in client loss for no real reason.

The Moral To The Story: When the process becomes more important than getting the job done its time to call Houston because WE HAVE A PROBLEM!

Ghost Viewers...

While I contemplate what I can and can't post next reference CANVS V USA (reminds me of the joke: Got any naked pictures of your wife? Want some?), I was playing with Paint Shop Pro to make the image above, it shows the page view history of this blog, the Ghost Nebulae, and a slightly modified version of a Specter Gunship Logo.

All Hallandow's Eve has come and gone yet specters loom in the night, or at least on this blog. Out of the over 2,000 folks who have looked at this Blog ONLY 6 have had the moral courage to actually follow it (that number 6 includes me...). Next year I will begin posting some more stories about Small Business V The Military Industrial Complex (Eisenhower must be spinning in his grave!).

Justice Delayed is Justice Denied...

The following is from notes related to The Nuremberg Trials:

The Trial of the Major War Criminals began on November 20, 1945; British judge Sir Goeffrey Lawrence called the court to order, saying that "This trial, which is now about to begin, is unique in the annals of jurisprudence." The trial ended on October 1, 1946.

That means that it only took 315 days to try, convict, and sentence the entire Nazi high command.

Please note that my Patent infringement case against the US Government was filed on 10AUG10. As today is 25NOV12, that is 838 days SO FAR and we still do not have a date set for the first day actually in court. There is something very wrong in Denmark!

Meet the DOJ team...

This is the legal team representing the Defendant in CANVS V USA.

From Left to Right:

• John A. Hudalla
  Attorney


• Stuart F. Delery
  Acting Assistant Attorney General


• John Fargo Director Commercial Litigation Branch
  Civil Division United States Department
  of Justice, Washington, DC, for defendant.


• Lindsay K. Eastman, Attorney
  United States Department of Justice of counsel.

Please note that everything above and including this sentence is a presentation of factual information with no commentary or opinion.

The following is opinion and commentary:

• Walter Cronkite would be proud.


• I thought you as Taxpayers might be interested in seeing who the Government is Paying to represent "USA" in this case.