A Public Service Announcement: The Office Idiocy Alert System

When faced with stupidity your first responsibility is to survive so that you might document and share the details of the specific stupidity encountered so that other rational people may benefit from you experience.

Below are some suggested actions to take when faced with varying levels of stupidity. These are not strict guide lines and if you are sharper than a bowling ball you will be able to modify your response to best fit the specific idiocy in the context that it is occurring. Remember to stay calm and document every detail of the stupidity no matter how trivial so that if rational people ever are afforded the opportunity of reading you account (however statistically unlikely this is), future generations will at least be able to say, "How in the hell did they stay so calm in the face of such overwhelming stupidity?!"

LOW

While at a low stupidity level try not to make any sudden moves and cover all shiny objects as the typical moron's attention is drawn to motion and shiny objects. Avoid moving shiny objects at all costs. Do not let anyone see you doing real work or God-forbid having an original thought as this will immediately result in an increase of stupidity based on the “no good deed goes unpunished” principal.

GUARDED

Proper behavior while experiencing a guarded stupidity level requires subtle actions on your part. Proper deescalating actions are highly recommended. A tried and true method involves making sure there is plenty of coffee and free dough-nuts or cookies made available, when possible place the cookies as far away as possible from your work space, although this will not likely reduce stupidity it will at least for a short period of time put some distance between you and the stupidity.

ELEVATED

During elevated levels of stupidity it is imperative that you remain calm. If listening to Enya or Zamfir King of The Pan Flute does not keep you calm try warm milk, valume, a single malt scotch, or all of the above.

HIGH

When levels of stupidity are high, the best thing you can do is remove yourself from direct exposure to the lunacy. One tried and true method is calling in sick, as in I am sick of these high levels of stupidity.

SEVERE

Severe levels of stupidity are often accompanied by a total lack of logical behavior, no common decency, no pride in workmanship, a total disregard for customer satisfaction, and attempts to shift the blame to the only competent people still unfortunate enough to be in the vicinity of the stupidity. Suggested courses of action include crawling under your desk, laughing uncontrollably, and openly working on ones resume in plain sight of the boss. If you are the boss and the situation is not of immediate concern we suggest that you establish a new division to ensure ISO 9000 compliance of any future stupidity.

Bureaucratic Culture (AKA Monkey Business)

Harry Frederick Harlow (October 31, 1905 – December 6, 1981) was an American psychologist best known for his maternal-separation and social isolation experiments on rhesus monkeys.

In one of Harlow’s experiment (which would not pass any ethics committee nowadays), five monkeys were put into a regular monkeys’ cage, with a banana hanging high on a rope from the roof of the cage (outside the reach of the monkeys). The researcher then put a step ladder enabling the monkeys to reach the banana. However, whenever one of the monkeys attempted to climb and reach for the banana, ALL monkeys were sprayed with freezing ice cold water. After few attempts, they all learned the association between reaching for the banana and the group collective punishment of being sprayed with freezing ice cold water. If they want to stay warm and dry, they better not reach for the step ladder. From now on, none of the five monkeys tried to reach for the banana anymore. There was no need for the water treatment from that point on.

At this stage the researcher replaced one of the five monkeys with a new monkey. The new monkey, not aware of the icy water treatment, tried to reach for the banana. Within fraction of a second the other four monkeys pounced on him and beat the hell out of him – again and again, till he stopped and did not try anymore. Note, that icy water treatment was not used anymore. The same process was repeated, one of the four monkeys who experienced the original icy water treatment was replaced by a new one, and again all the monkeys beat the new monkey to submission. Finally, the cage was populated by five monkeys of whom none have experienced the icy water treatment. The experimenter then introduced a new monkey to the cage. When this monkey tried to reach for the banana, all five monkeys jumped on him and beat the hell out of him. None of these monkeys knew about the collective punishment of icy water, none knew why they are not allowed to get the banana, but somewhat along the way they learnt that reaching for the banana is not allowed. They become the guardians of this rule without knowing its purpose.

The same happens in organisation. A rule, a regulation, or a procedure, is introduced for a reason. However, after a while, the reason for it is forgotten, but the rule, regulation, or procedure stays. Nobody knows why they are following it, but they all do. Take the blue ink – black ink example that results in loss of customers. Sometime in the past, this regulation was introduced, probably because when photocopied or axed, blue ink was not as clear as black ink. However, technology has moved fast since then. Nowadays we have colour photocopiers and the quality of fax is not affected by ink colour. It doesn’t matter anymore if the ink is blue or black, yet the original regulation is still there, resulting in client loss for no real reason.

The Moral To The Story: When the process becomes more important than getting the job done its time to call Houston because WE HAVE A PROBLEM!

Ghost Viewers...

While I contemplate what I can and can't post next reference CANVS V USA (reminds me of the joke: Got any naked pictures of your wife? Want some?), I was playing with Paint Shop Pro to make the image above, it shows the page view history of this blog, the Ghost Nebulae, and a slightly modified version of a Specter Gunship Logo.

All Hallandow's Eve has come and gone yet specters loom in the night, or at least on this blog. Out of the over 2,000 folks who have looked at this Blog ONLY 6 have had the moral courage to actually follow it (that number 6 includes me...). Next year I will begin posting some more stories about Small Business V The Military Industrial Complex (Eisenhower must be spinning in his grave!).

Justice Delayed is Justice Denied...

The following is from notes related to The Nuremberg Trials:

The Trial of the Major War Criminals began on November 20, 1945; British judge Sir Goeffrey Lawrence called the court to order, saying that "This trial, which is now about to begin, is unique in the annals of jurisprudence." The trial ended on October 1, 1946.

That means that it only took 315 days to try, convict, and sentence the entire Nazi high command.

Please note that my Patent infringement case against the US Government was filed on 10AUG10. As today is 25NOV12, that is 838 days SO FAR and we still do not have a date set for the first day actually in court. There is something very wrong in Denmark!

Meet the DOJ team...

This is the legal team representing the Defendant in CANVS V USA.

From Left to Right:

• John A. Hudalla
  Attorney


• Stuart F. Delery
  Acting Assistant Attorney General


• John Fargo Director Commercial Litigation Branch
  Civil Division United States Department
  of Justice, Washington, DC, for defendant.


• Lindsay K. Eastman, Attorney
  United States Department of Justice of counsel.

Please note that everything above and including this sentence is a presentation of factual information with no commentary or opinion.

The following is opinion and commentary:

• Walter Cronkite would be proud.


• I thought you as Taxpayers might be interested in seeing who the Government is Paying to represent "USA" in this case.

Federal Law Schmedral Law...

In case you fail to understand the significance of this document:

http://www.whitehouse.gov/sites/default/files/omb/memoranda/2012/m-12-19.pdf

Let me break it down for you.

The President is worried about having over 100,000 Americans laid off right before the election. Federal Law clearly states what needs to be done, the OMB at the direction of the President, has told the largest Defense Contractors in America not to worry go ahead and break the law and if you incur any costs associated with breaking the law the Taxpayers will pick up the tab. The way this was done is an affront to "Taxation without Representation". Once again Small Business is given a boot to the face and kicked to the curb as Government takes Big Business to lunch on the taxpayers dime!

http://www.nationalreview.com/corner/329106/taxpayers-could-face-billions-legal-costs-due-administration-asking-lockheed-martin-re

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2012/10/02/republicans-rip-white-house-for-putting-tax-dollars-on-line-over-possible/

Size brown shoes don't fit...

In the aftermath of the publishing of the book "No Easy Day" a number of folks in this administration have made some claims about policing up the release of sensitive materials. Sorry I had to stop there for a minute as I was laughing so hard milk shot out of my nose.

While I am in the process of writing a letter to SECDEF, I thought I would post something as my Blogging activities have been nonexistent for a while. The reason for this is that I have to consider an number of things before I put photons on this screen. What considerations you might ask:

• Is the material Classified?
• Is the material Sensitive?
• Is the material ITAR Restricted
• Is the material covered by Nondisclosure or Confidentiality Agreements?
• Is the material covered by a US Federal Court Protective Order?
• Is the material something that your mother would approve of?

While I sort these things out in preparation of continuing this blog as well as writing my book (I am sure a bunch of people at various agencies just did the "spit take" if they were drinking coffee...) in the mean time let me share two real fire extinguisher stories with you!

I was responsible for moving an entire research department from one facility to another back in 1990. The new facility was awesome, but like any new buildings it had some kinks to work out, little things like water leaking onto high voltage panels, and a fire alarm that would arbitrarily decide to go off.

I closed down the laboratory that I was responsible for (my title was Research Analyst III but I built and ran all the hardware in the facility) in 2009. For 19 years the fire alarm was never fixed. The problem was a sensor in an elevator. With the hot and humid weather here in south Florida when the humidity was high enough and the elevator doors were open long enough in the air conditioned hallways when it got to the ground floor the sensor fogged up and the alarm would go off. I kid you not this had to have happened hundreds of times in the 19 years I was there. It was not uncommon for me to work 24, 48, or 72 hours at a time and invariably I was there when the alarm would go off. EVERY TIME I would grab a fire extinguisher and head for the alarm panel, whip out my cell phone and call it in. I would stay on the phone as I confirmed there was no fire, temporarily reset the system and call out the maintenance crew to investigate.

I kept pointing out the "Boy That Cried Wolf" syndrome to everyone that would listen, the alarm goes off, no one cares because of all the false alarms, if there is a real emergency precious time will be lost because everyone will assume all is well just reset the system. One day I am in the lab and the alarm goes off. I pick up a fire extinguisher and head to the alarm panel phone in hand. This time I smell smoke, fortunately I had a key for the door where the smoke was coming from, I open the door (after putting my hand on the metal door to see if it is hot) and there on top of a wooden crate is a pile of newspapers clearly intentionally set ablaze! It couldn't have been lit for more than 60 seconds I must have just missed the arsonist(the door to the "secure" storage area was often left open while people came and went so they wouldn't need to check out a key, same for the "secure" hallway door to the parking lot always left open). I pointed the fire extinguisher at the base of the fire and pulled the trigger. The fire was out but it was so hot it was looking like the top of the wooden crate could re-light. So I ran back to the lab to get a second fire extinguisher (my eyes were killing me at this point, the smoke was bad but the powdered irritant in the fire extinguisher was worse). Fire truck was on the way at this point as I was on the phone with them the entire time.

As I emerge from the lab and head out into the parking lot to go back to the hallway door that led to the door to the storage room (I had propped the storage room door open at this point) I am reaching for the handle of the hallway door as I am confronted by a local law enforcement officer on a Segway. He looks me straight in the eyes and says "You can't go into the building there is a fire!" I had to keep from laughing (he was only doing what the manual says)...without stopping I held up the fire extinguisher with one hand and pointed to it with my other hand and said "We can talk after I put out the fire". Bill Engvall moment "Here's your sign..."

This second fire extinguisher story took place in the University of Miami dorms in 1984. I am in my room studying for a Calculus II test and I smell smoke (NO ALARM), I head out into the hallway (in those days you were allowed to smoke in your room if my memory serves correctly) I see the dude at the end of the hall he is clearly stoned or drunk or both, his room door is open and he is just standing there in front of one of those small metal round trashcans and there is a pillar of fire shooting out of it that is literally taller than he is. I grab a piece of wood (it was a length of 4x4 left over from the loft I built) and smashed the glass between me and the fire extinguisher, run down the hall and extinguish the fire. The dude in the room say "Dude that was crazy!". Just as I am walking back to my room the Resident Assistant in charge of the floor (his name was Bernard) comes running after me screaming...you can't make this kind of thing up...he says to me, "Why the hell did you break the glass?!" Here's your sign...